Good Grief
Leaders feel trauma in more ways than bargained for **
Its no surprise that we live in troubling times. Tensions are mounding and tightening for everyone. While individuals experience challenges unique to themselves, leaders must simultaneously navigate their personal tensions as well as the burdens of those in their care. This multisided aspect brings mental, physical, and spiritual burdens that leaders are often unprepared for. These demands can be so numerous that space for personal wellbeing is discarded. Long term, this is bad news for everyone.
We know we can’t lead alone. No one person can carry it. This why organizations have leadership boards. Leadership is not a solo endeavor. Consider Moses from Exodus 17.
Exodus 17:11-13 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
Moses was leading, but take out Joshua, Aaron or Hur and the whole campaign fails. Even crazier, simultaneous to this was an internal campaign to throw stones at Moses until he died. Have you ever considered it from Moses’ perspective? He experienced the same hardships (thirst, hunger, etc.) as everyone else. What frustrations/questions kept him up as he laid down to bed each night? What disappointments did he have? Who could he talk to?
Numbers 20:2-4 And there was no water for the community, and so they gathered themselves together against Moses and Aaron. 3 The people contended with Moses, saying, “If only we had died when our brothers died before the Lord! 4 Why have you brought up the Lord’s community into this wilderness?
I know, I know. Moses had Aaron and talked to God. But my point is that Moses experienced the same wilderness as everyone else, combined with the weight of caring for and leading a community in trauma. It was a weight beyond his capacity.
Even in normal times the needs of a community will inevitably exceed any leaders gifting. Healthy leadership is never an individual endeavor. It must be corporate. It must connect to collaborative networks rather than hierarchal structures. But even the best collaboration is built on flawed systems. Even Moses threw a temper tantrum from time to time. The system is infected. Flawed leaders supported by a flawed community serving flawed people. All of this in the midst of trauma.
How can we maintain hope?
It’s a natural question, but not as obscure as we might think. Hope by nature requires imperfection. Hope bends our thoughts away from the present and toward a promised future. Hope is not the absence of trauma, but defiance of it. Since leadership is fundamentally about change, proclaiming Hope is not about avoiding hardship but moving through it. It is a calling to turn toward promise. Especially when others can’t see it.
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love.
Despite popular opinion, leaders can’t self-generate Joy. They need more than Little Orphan Annie singing “The Sun will come out”. They need a healthy way to navigate these corporate and private complexities without slipping into despair or pleading ignorance. Leaders need the freedom to grieve. To embrace the damages of sin and the beauty of redemption simultaneously. Only the gospel narrative can combine these. Only the Gospel can foster joy. It teaches us that even harsh realities like the cross are not the final story. That death is a prerequisite to resurrection. And Leaders can speak Hope as a bridge between grief and Joy.
The apostles Paul lived these two realities while in prison.
Philippians 4:12-13 I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.
Consider Jeremiah 29 where the exiles were commanded to live prosperous lives while prisoners in exile.
Jeremiah 29:4-7 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all those he sent into exile to Babylon from Jerusalem, 5 ‘Build houses and settle down. Plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters. Find wives for your sons and allow your daughters to get married so that they too can have sons and daughters. Grow in number; do not dwindle away. 7 Work to see that the city where I sent you as exiles enjoys peace and prosperity. Pray to the Lord for it. For as it prospers you will prosper.’
This combined means that leaders need a safe community to grieve. Entering into grief alone is to walk dangerously close to the chambers of despair. Despair is the enemy of Hope.
There is no question that we need leaders who proclaim hope. Whether the field is politics, finances, relationships, education etc., hope is at its strongest in when its honest about loss.
The Apostle Paul gave a master class on this from the prison in Philippi.
Philippians 4:12-13 I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.
Living in these two realities is a paradoxical gift. Hoping yet not despairing. Waiting but doing. And by these things manifest Christ to a watching world.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that the extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. 8 We are experiencing trouble on every side, but are not crushed; we are perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed, 10 always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our body.
** This article was inspired by a conversation between Dan Allender and Dr. Derek McNeil. Audio for their conversation can be found at Leadership, Uncertainty, and Hope with Dr. J. Derek McNeil - The Allender Center